Bad Grandpa does not make a Jackass of itself, Gravity falls, I suck at puns, and Other Box Office News

Whether it be due to continued love for the Jackass name, a base desire to see Johnny Knoxville humiliate himself in various “outrageous” ways, or a desire to see something else, anything else besides Gravity for the fourth frakkin’ time, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa took the weekend with $32 million in ticket sales.  Such an action that all but guarantees even more movies under the Jackass Presents brand that are solely designed to take giant sharts all over whatever fond memories of the original trilogy of movies you may have for the sole purposes of making these failed actors/skateboarders/human beings some cold hard cash.  I remember when Johnny Knoxville would get kicked in the balls for the thrill of it, man!

It had to happen eventually, but even in defeat Gravity can’t help but make everybody else look like the pathetic, anaemic chumps they most likely are by dropping to second with a $20 million weekend total and only a 20% drop between weekends.  By contrast, Carrie, the remake of the classic Brian De Palma film that nobody asked for (twice), plummeted 60% and three places down to number 6, this weekend.  But Carrie was practically bathed in a bucket full of dollar bills compared to The Fifth Estate’s second week, which dropped 65% to barely $570,000 and fourteenth place.  Is it because of Benedict Cumberbatch?  It’s probably because of Benedict Cumberbatch.  What do you Americans have against Benedict Cumberbatch?!

Elsewhere in terms of openers and expanders, the lesbian relationship drama Blue is the Warmest Colour opened up on 4 screens and took $25,000 each on them from both fans of French art-house dramas and immature grown-ups who wanted to see the hot ladies have sex with one another (much like how all my Secondary School friends believed my intense love for Black Swan was due to Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis getting it on and “you’re a guy!  Of course that’s… what do you mean you ‘found that scene creepy’?  Are you gay or something”… ahem).  12 Years a Slave, meanwhile, opened up on 104 more screens, as it accelerates towards next week’s nationwide release, and managed to crack the Top 10 whilst doing so.  Hooray!  And the cheerful sounding All Is Lost opened on 75 more screens and took just over $500,000, a respectable number considering the garbage nature of its release and its audience unfriendly premise.

Oh, and some film called The Counselor that was directed by Ridley Scott, was written by Cormac McCarthy and starred a sh*t-tonne of famous names opened in fourth with almost $8 million.  Much like how the American public treated The Counselor, I hadn’t heard of it before now and nor do I much care.

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Hello, I’m Callie Petch and welcome to the Full List!

US Box Office Results: Friday 25th October 2013 – Sunday 27th October 2013

1] Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

$32,055,177 / NEW

I actually saw this on Thursday, but I didn’t write a review for it because there wasn’t really a lot to say, to be honest.  It’s just not funny for about 80% of its run-time.  There is one prank that will go down as one of the best things that Jackass have ever done… but it’s been spoilt in the trailers.  The rest of the film is mostly just wasted premises and unfunny reactions.  As a major Jackass fan, this was a real disappointment, sadly.

2] Gravity

$20,135,387 / $199,649,748

Heh, heh… get it?  “Gravity falls”?  Because things fall due to Gravity… and also I referenced a cartoon I love… and… Gravity the movie…  …  Just shut up and watch this Gravity Falls clip.

3] Captain Phillips

$11,642,040 / $69,916,083

Question: why do actors and actresses in the movies, whenever they are playing a character from Boston, put on the broadest and most-cartoony Boston accent possible?  Are they afraid that non-Bostoners won’t grasp the subtle intricacies of the accent if they attempt to do it naturally?  Like how every British person in an American film is from upper-class London, despite nobody talking like that in the last… 40 years?

4] The Counselor

$7,842,930 / NEW

I hope that the people who greenlit this movie can afford a grief counsellor!  Huh?  Huh?  HUH?  Because they’re going to get fired for this bomb soon, that’s the joke.  Keep up, people!

5] Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

$6,275,325 / $100,786,579

So, has anybody actually seen this movie?  I remember catching the original on a flight back from Spain about 4 years back and rather enjoying it, but I haven’t seen it since.  This one looked decent, I have a slightly stronger stomach for abysmal food-based puns than the average human being, but there are far too many movies out now in the UK (Ender’s Game, Thor: The Dark World, One Ch-ah, I’m just bullsh*tting you on that one) for me to be able to find time to go and see it.  So, thriving Screened community, anybody taken a chance on this?

6] Carrie

$5,988,713 / $26,110,068

Proof that releasing a horror movie in October does not mean that people will automatically go and see it.  Now, where was this common sense when we were drowning in endless crappy Saw and Paranormal Activity sequels, huh?  Answer me, American Movie-Going Public!

7] Escape Plan

$4,558,239 / $17,641,821

I hope that Stallone and Schwarzenegger have retirement plans!  GET IT?  Because they’re old and their movies don’t make money anymore!  LAUGH AT MY TERRIBLE PUNS, DAMMIT!!

8] 12 Years a Slave

$2,134,325 / $3,394,268

This doesn’t come out in the UK until January.  JANUARY!  But I want it NOOOOOOOOOOWWW!  Seriously, I am at maximum hype levels for this!  This is like Gravity, which still doesn’t launch here for another 2 weeks, but worse.  Because the wait is longer.  And I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

9] Enough Said

$1,588,004 / $13,054,096

-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!  …ahem.

10] Prisoners

$1,068,339 / $59,127,401

Ah, I meant to get around to seeing this.  It looked great, the premise sounded great and the cast was great, I just never found the time to go and see it.  Instead, the one free time I did get to go to the cinema in the last two weeks, I went and saw Bad Grandpa.  Just in case you needed further proof that I have completely taken leave of my senses in the past few months.

Dropped Out: The Fifth Estate, Runner Runner, Insidious Chapter 2

Callie Petch plucked their eyebrows along the way.