US Box Office Report: 31/01/14 – 02/02/14

That Awkward Moment when a pair of big new releases are again thrashed by Ride Along, people are still going to see terrible movies, and Other Box Office News.

Presumably because everybody actually researched what other films were available to watch this weekend and went, “You know what?  We’re good, thanks,” Ride Along retained the top spot with $12 million in ticket sales.  So, now that Ride Along is a full-blown phenomenon, it’s closing in on the $100 mil mark fast, how much longer until Ride Along 2: Now We Got Ice-T, Too! comes about?  Oh, I know what would be the perfect sequel idea!  A cross-over with Cop Out!  Wait, why are you all running to grab some fruit?

You could, in fact, make many jokes about the failure of That Awkward Moment’s attempt to claim the number one spot from a weeks-old comedy, jokes mainly pertaining to hi-larious usages of its title although doing so would make you The Worst Person Alive On the Planet at this Very Second, however one would be too hasty in that respect.  See, though That Awkward Moment only debuted at number 3 with a sub-$9 million total, the film only cost $8 million to make.  Go ahead and make your “Well it sure looked like it did!” jokes now, everyone, but it only distracts from the fact that this film has already made its budget back and that you are responsible for that happening.  Yuck it up, funny boy, I shall be in the corner silently judging you.

Elsewhere in the land of new releases, the brand new Jason Reitman movie that I refuse to believe is hot steaming garbage until I see so with my very own eyes (shutupSHUTUPSHUTUP), Labor Day, opened to a pitiful $5 million from 2,500-odd screens, perhaps finally cementing Josh Brolin as a person that nobody wants to see in their movies.  In limited release, the Teller (of Penn & Teller, whom I have been informed are, in fact, still a thing) directed documentary Tim’s Vermeer took $49,777 from 4 screens; numbers which I have punched repeatedly into a calculator and not once has it told me how or why this happened.  The Knights of Badassdom FINALLY got its cinema release last weekend, to the tune of $17,449 from 13 screens, and then proceeded to crash spectacularly this weekend with $6,371 from 11 screens.  Shame, but I guess that belaboured and really quite depressing post-production scandal did end up harming the film, after all (if you’re interested in what on Earth I’m talking about, here’s a general overview).

Elsewhere lying about the place, perhaps bolstered by its recent victory at the Director’s Guild of America Awards, Gravity actually increased the amount of money it made at the weekend despite having less screens than the weekend prior.  Despite having beaten Her to the number 10 slot last week by inches, Devil’s Due collapsed in a giant heap at 19th place, whilst Her only fell to 16th.  And we also bid farewell to August: Osage County.  Mostly, though, it’s just terrible movies making some money.  Not much, but enough to warrant talking about.  Well, not really, but this is my job so I guess I’ve gotta do so anyway.

Labor Day

That awkward moment where the full list is extremely late I am really sorry I have just had an awful day and I’m typing this up at midnight my time which is not exactly convenient for me but I care about getting this out to you on the day no matter how much sleep the task deprives me of.  (exhale)

Box Office Results: Friday 31st January 2014 – Sunday 2nd February 2014

1] Ride Along

$12,035,720 / $92,698,470

So has anyone here actually seen this yet?  I’m curious as to what you all think.  If it’s good, I might add it to my rather large list of films to see this month.  Sound off, Screened peoples!

2] Frozen

$8,933,513 / $359,635,842

Congratulations to Frozen on its big win at the Annie Awards this past weekend!  Well, actually, I didn’t bring up the Annie Awards to congratulate Frozen.  It was more to scream furiously from the rooftops about how “GRAVITY FALLS WAS F*CKING ROBBED!!” and that I won’t let such injustices stand, because my opinion matters.

3] That Awkward Moment

$8,742,109 / NEW

Michael B. Jordan deserves better.

4] The Nut Job

$7,278,450 / $49,911,445

Thank the Maker that The Lego Movie comes out next week and finally gives me something new to talk about in the realm of animated movies.  By the way, quick warning, if The Lego Movie pushes out Frozen from this list, but not The Nut Job, then the appropriate entry for The Nut Job will consist of nothing but a string of profanity.  So, you know, don’t let that happen, and stuff.

5] Lone Survivor

$7,096,330 / $104,789,886

War.  Huh.  Good God, y’all.  What is it good for?  Absolutely nuthin’.  Say it again, Lord.

6] Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

$5,310,447 / $38,878,417

You know what?  Rather than talk about this bland piece of nothing, how’s about we instead watch a hysterical and bloody German short film from the year 2000 entitled Forklift Driver Klaus?  I assure you, it’s far worthier of your time.

7] Labor Day

$5,175,282 / NEW

(sticks fingers in ears) Nope!  Can’t hear you!  Jason Reitman did not make a bad movie!  You’re just trying to lower my expectations because it’s not as good as Up In The Air and Young Adult!  Ain’t buying it!  No siree bob!

8] American Hustle

$4,160,234 / $133,481,413

Why the blue hell did this get nominated for Best Picture but not Inside Llewyn Davis?!  Seriously, I finally got around to seeing that today (which is not the reason today was The Worst, getting to and from the cinema to watch the film though…) and the almost complete and total snubbing of this film in all awards everywhere is baffling me because this film is absolutely incredible.  Just sheer masterwork.  This is the kind of film whose quality deserves to be sang from every mountain top, instead of just merely quietly nodding in approval at it  Alas…

9] I, Frankenstein

$3,754,423 / $14,724,493

Yvonne Strahovski, please land on your feet.  You proved yourself adept at this whole acting thing for five years with Chuck.  You deserve so much better than The Aaron Eckhart Shirtless Brooding Variety Special.  Pick a decent script next time, please?  Thanks.

10] The Wolf of Wall Street

$3,400,780 / $103,927,541

And now it has finally made its budget back domestically!  That… took a worryingly long time.  How’s it doing overseas?  (checks)  Oh, OK, it’s just you Americans who don’t like really great f*cking movies.  Gotcha.

Dropped Out: August: Osage County, Devil’s Due

Callie Petch should have took the high road.

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