The Equalizer has no equal, The Boxtrolls live underneath The Maze Runner, take Pride in that film’s per-screen average, these are some of the worst puns you will see all week, and Other Box Office News.
Now that that awful headline has chased off anybody without a strong enough constitution, let’s get down to business. The Equalizer is your new number one with $34 million in ticket sales and a per-screen average of over $10,000. You know, despite it looking like garbage. Still, that didn’t stop it becoming the fourth-highest September opening in history behind Hotel Transylvania, Insidious: Chapter Two, and Sweet Home Alabama which, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be googling right now to find out what the hell that was. Chalk up the success to the presence of Denzel Washington, the Patron Saint of movies that inexplicably make a lot of money despite immediately fading from memory after viewing. Don’t believe me? OK, then: what year did 2 Guns come out? The correct answer was August of last year, not that you’d get that seeing as you actually had to google 2 Guns to remember what it was.
As for the week’s other new release, The Boxtrolls, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the film now has the second biggest opening for a stop-motion animated film ever, behind Chicken Run, said opening is more than the ones for both Coraline and ParaNorman, and the lack of any family-focussed films on the release docket for next week gives it a strong chance of holding well! The bad news is that it opened in third with only $17 million in ticket sales. Again, that’s still a lot considering the genre, but, dammit, Laika deserve even more success! I may be a bit more down on The Boxtrolls than most people, but it’s still better than most animated films I’ve seen so far this year and the company deserve a full-blown financial success after the outstanding ParaNorman barely broke even!
In limited release town: The Skeleton Twins began its move towards a wide-ish release by expanding to 385 theatres and netting a total of $1.231 million from them, for a decent per-screen average of $3,200. Christian (the faith, not the professional wrestler) musical-drama The Song hit many bum notes on the 340 screens it infected, taking only $568,596. Más Negro Que La Noche, a Mexican remake of the 1975 Mexican horror film of the same name (so never let it be said that only the American film industry is out of ideas), did slightly better by netting $550,000 from 178 screens.
The real winner, though, was Pride, which began its charm offensive on the American shores with a measly 6 screens. It more than made the most of them, though, raking in a per-screen average of $13,662 for a weekend total of $81,971. Some box office reporting outlets describe this success as “decent”, seemingly forgetting that not every limited release is a f*cking Wes Anderson project that can rack up a $200,000+ per-screen average from 4 cinemas. Pride expands a bit further in a couple of weeks and, if you’re not sold to go and see it just yet, here’s my review to persuade you to part with your cash. See what I did there? Seamless, wasn’t it?
Also, If I Stay decided not to this week. I am absolutely not a hack writer.
The enjoyment that you will derive from this Full List is equal to or greater than your appreciation for those four prior paragraphs.
Box Office Results: Friday 26th September 2014 – Sunday 28th September 2014
1] The Equalizer
$34,137,828 / NEW
There should be a review of this up soon somewhere on [Failed Critics], although not by me as I haven’t seen it yet. Cut me some slack, I was busy last weekend and, besides, this looks like garbage. I mean, that clearly hasn’t stopped me from going to anything this past year, as you may be able to tell, but everything I hear about this film just fills me with dread and bile. Ugh, just bring on Gone Girl already, please.
2] The Maze Runner
$17,437,020 / $57,955,347
Only a 46% drop between weekends which bodes incredibly well for its long-term financial prospects. And it’s also apparently pretty good? That last part bodes well for its critical prospects with myself, but we’ll have to see. Besides, it’s not like I’m not seeing it in two weeks. What am I gonna skip it for? Annabelle? In the words of one Lana Kane: NNNOOOOPPEE!
3] The Boxtrolls
$17,275,239 / NEW
Dammit, people! “Good, not great” does not equate to “skip it almost entirely”! In fact, what do you all seem to have against stop-motion animation? Not one has been able to break past the $18 million opening barrier (unless you count the wide-release expansion of Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride which, as you may have already guessed, I do not); what gives? Why are you not enamoured by the medium? What, do you hate seeing love, effort and attention being lavished on every frame? Look, I am not leaving here until I get answers as to why The Motherf*cking Nut Job opened with more cashola than The Boxtrolls did!
4] This is Where I Leave You
$6,894,340 / $22,441,091
Now, on the one hand, this film has only had a 40% drop between weekends. On the other hand, there’s a difference between third and fourth place of over $10 million. I’m just saying, it looks bad.
5] Dolphin Tale 2
$4,788,153 / $33,618,190
Oh, Christ, I have to watch the first one of these before Friday, don’t I? Dammit, I don’t have time! I have been busy! I still am busy! Why did there have to be a sequel to Dolphin Tale, for f*ckssake?!
6] No Good Deed
$4,509,127 / $46,532,221
Well, it could be worse. It could be a film version of Kevin Williamson’s new TV show, Stalker.
$4,192,785 / $20,830,290
An almost literal plummeting of 67%. Seems like Liam Neeson will not be becoming the next Denzel Washington any time soon. Both with regards to box office and also with regards to the fact that, for the most part, his films are actually good. Yeah, I went there.
8] Guardians of the Galaxy
$3,765,941 / $319,169,216
Now officially the third highest grossing Marvel Cinematic Universe film domestically, having passed the original Iron Man last weekend. Worldwide, it’s still only at number five, but it should pass Thor: The Dark World soon enough, seeing as there is still the very lucrative China market still to go. On a related note: man, did Thor: The Dark World have foreign legs or what? I mean, I loved it (unlike pretty much everyone else I talked to) but I didn’t picture it as the kind of film that would do as extremely well as it did.
$1,516,021 / $79,628,884
This is still making money? How?! Who in their right mind decides, on the seventh week of its release, to go and see Let’s Be Cops again, or even for the first time? What, did those involved go, “Well, Ferguson has been on the back-burner for a while, I can watch this without it weighing on my conscience” or something? Cos, news flash, that’s still going too! Never let it be said that this feature doesn’t keep you in the loop with regards to current events.
10] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
$1,450,177 / $187,182,309
Go, ninja, go, ninja, go! Go, ninja, go, ninja, go! Far, far, far, far, far away, if possible, please.
Dropped Out: The Drop, If I Stay
Callie Petch can only ask themselves, oh where you all are going.