The Age of Adeline is not upon us, Little Boy makes child-sized money… basically, filmgoers opted to not see the crap that came out this week, and Other Box Office News.
…look, nothing came out this week. It’s the weekend before The Avengers, or it is the weekend of The Avengers if you live in the specially designated half of the world, and every movie studio worth their salt knows that you release jack in the week before and after that Galactus-sized money-hoover. After all, what’s the point when The Avengers will just swallow up any and all potential revenue for your film near-immediately? This does make me question why Mad Max: Fury Road and Pitch Perfect 2 are opening two weeks after instead of three to make absolutely certain that they can bank a nice amount of cash… but, then, I’m not the guy who has to deal with the utterly ridiculous Summer 2015 release schedule, so what do I know?
In fact, side note: can 2015 just end after the weekend of May 15th? Like, just stop and move onto 2016? I’m seeing Mad Max: Fury Road and, more importantly, Pitch Perfect 2 on the same day with the bestest and closest friend I have, who’s also staying for the weekend. The year’s not going to get any better than that, it may as well just pack up and go home. Anyways…
So, since nothing came out, audiences decided to take one last ride with Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and the whole gang before The Avengers supplants the “surrogate family”-driven film fix that we all so desperately crave. Furious 7 held onto the top spot for the 4th weekend in a row with $18 million in ticket sales. Close behind it – OK, about $2.5 million behind it, but that’s still way too close for me – was the execrable Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 which somehow retained 65% of its opening weekend audience and came away with $15.5 million in ticket sales. It’s still trailing how the first Paul Blart was doing at this time by about $20 million, but that still doesn’t guarantee that we are safe from a sequel just yet. I mean, we already got one! I now have to go through my life in constant fear that Kevin James might force another one of these upon me! I don’t like living in fear, you guys!
In any case, some films did come out this week. It’s just that, like Paul Blart, they all stank to high heaven. Widest-releasing, and therefore the one that actually charted, was The Age of Adeline, a film so confident in its construction and qualities that it actually lists one of its two screenwriters twice on its poster. (EDIT: my good friend Jackson Tyler has informed me that it’s a WGA thing. Still seems weird and ridiculous, mind.) It actually beat Furious 7 on Friday, until everybody collectively realised that they could be watching good movies instead, where upon it finished the weekend in third with about $13 million in ticket sales. Next up was Little Boy, a film that… you know what, how about I just post the Wikipedia synopsis and see how long it takes for you to realise why this film has not exactly won over the critical press…
The story centers on a 7-year-old boy, Pepper Flynt Busbee, who uses magic powers produced by his faith to end World War II and bring his father home.
…yeah. It only managed $2.8 million from 1,045 screens for a pathetic $2,708 per-screen average. Then we have Russell Crowe’s directorial debut, The Water Diviner. Despite, according to himself, being a much more talented movie director than any other movie director alive today, because he’s been in 41 movies which means he knows more about directing than someone like Ridley Scott, nobody much seemed to care about his movie. The film managed a meh $1.25 million from 320 screens and a sub-$4,000 per-screen average. But, hey, at least it wasn’t Child 44! Poor, poor Child 44. I’d feel kinda bad for both of these films if they weren’t so uninterestingly rubbish.
The age of this Full List is none of your business, you rude young man!
Box Office Results: Friday 24th April 2015 – Sunday 26th April 2015
1] Furious 7
$18,259,000 / $320,536,000
This will close having out-grossed 2014’s actual Highest Grossing Film Domestically, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, and what is technically its Highest Grossing Film Domestically, American Sniper. More importantly, this week, and this is even with Age of Ultron coming in hot, it will become the 4th highest grossing film worldwide of all-time and has a good shot of closing extremely close to The Avengers’ $1.5 billion. Once again, if I see ANY “The Box Office Is DYING!” think-pieces this year… words have not yet been invented that can convey the strength of my response.
2] Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
$15,500,000 / $43,950,000
Now, I realise that I didn’t provide an actual professional or traditional review of this film when I subjected myself to it a few weeks back. Some of you may wish for a second review, one that actually discusses the movie and properly conveys its various qualities and failings. Well, you are in luck, cos I’ve got one right here for you! Are you ready?
(*hits head on desk repeatedly for about five minutes*)
That’s your professional review of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
3] The Age of Adeline
$13,375,000 / NEW
Age of Ultron has already banked $201 million at the countries it managed to roll out to this past weekend. Think it has any chance of breaking $2 billion? Think it has any chance of breaking the $200 million opening weekend the first Avengers had in America? All of this, I feel, depends on whether everybody agrees with Owen – who really doesn’t like it and is wrong – or myself – who finds it great but doesn’t love it like he did the first one, and is right. Time will tell soon enough, folks. Time will tell.
$8,300,000 / $153,784,000
Despite being a legitimate success, Home has only just now been able to double its production budget worldwide. Goddamn, even when they have a success, DreamWorks are still constantly teetering on the verge of oblivion! Kung Fu Panda 3 was moved to late-January, recently, and I’m still worried that that’s going to crash and burn! Do you see what you’re doing to me, DreamWorks? DO YOU?! Don’t you dare go dying on me now, ya hear!
$6,244,000 / $25,158,000
So this is apparently actually good? Well, not if you believe the public – this has plummeted 60% between weekends – but the public wouldn’t know a good horror movie if it appeared out of nowhere and inflicted some kind of blender-based violence upon them; they mostly rejected It Follows, after all. According to critics and horror fans, this is apparently rather good. Huh, colour me surprised. I’ll know for certain, in any case, when I subject Lucy to it this coming Friday.
6] Ex Machina
$5,441,000 / $6,920,000
Oh, yeah, this movie! This actually expanded nationwide after a string of strong reviews and a fantastic pair of limited release weekends, so for a hard sci-fi with next-to-no real advertising behind it and only critical and art-house buzz this is a really good performance! Yay for Alex Garland! I don’t love this film like everyone else – mainly because, in typical Alex Garland fashion, he drops the ball on the ending, and there are a few structural choices that undermine its strongest thematic through-line – but I’m happy to see him do well.
7] The Longest Ride
$4,365,000 / $30,398,000
This has now done better than The Best (THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST) of Me, but is still one of the lowest-grossing Nicholas Sparks adaptations ever. Can we finally put this guy’s brand/schtick out to pasture now? Please?
8] Get Hard
$3,905,000 / $84,066,000
Because I know that some of you are curious: “Lucy” is Lucy Meer, my co-host of Screen 1, Monday nights at 9PM BST on Hullfire Radio. The fact that you don’t know that means that you don’t listen, and that fact hurts my feelings.
9] Monkey Kingdom
$3,551,000 / $10,258,000
Monkeys are amazing. That is all.
10] Woman in Gold
$3,501,000 / $21,635,000
Dropped Out: Insurgent, Cinderella
Callie Petch can’t read about it, burns the skin from their eyes.