America chose… wisely! Spy rules, Entourage drools, Insidious pulls… in crowds, OK, this headline has failed totally, and Other Box Office News.
I don’t think that I’m exaggerating when I say that this weekend’s box office battle was quite literally between good and evil. On the side of good: Spy, the best comedy to come along in a year, and one that is quietly yet brilliantly progressive, boasting outstanding performances, and led almost entirely by excellent female comedians who are getting their deserved shots at the limelight. On the side of evil: Entourage, a piece of pure f*cking garbage, based on pure f*cking garbage, made by and for pure f*cking garbage. The outcome of this fight would prove seismic, can good movies aimed at a female audience triumph over pure f*cking garbage aimed at dude-bros, humanity’s collective walking pieces of human f*cking garbage?
For once in this miserable cesspool that is humanity, good won out. Good won out big! Spy opened in first place with a very respectable $30 million. Whilst that’s $9 million less than The Heat opened to in 2013, that is a very good number considering that Spy had mediocre to poor trailers and marketing, and had to open against a horror movie and Insidious Chapter 3. Plus, considering the fact that the comedy landscape is free until Ted 2 at the end of the month, it’s guaranteed decent legs over the coming weeks! We did it everyone! We actually did it! Everything is going to be OK! It is all going to be O. K!
As for those terrifying journeys into worlds of misery populated by evil spirits who wish to do us all harm, Insidious Chapter 3 ended up the victor in that battle, bringing home a very good $23 million. That’s admittedly still a very large drop from Chapter 2’s $40 million opening, and it was still very front-loaded, but Chapter 2 wasn’t released in the Summer and had absolutely no competition that weekend. Besides, a $23 million opening for a horror movie is definitely not something to sniff at. So I hope you’re all looking forward to being drowned in these apparently-great (?) films for years to come! I have no idea why I wrote that so sarcastically, I shouldn’t get sniffy at good horror movies doing good business just cos I selfishly want their trailers to stop appearing before films that won’t give me mini-heart attacks due to my major wussiness.
And as for Vinny and the boys? Well, Entourage blew hot steaming chunks. And the box office of the film wasn’t so great either. Over the three day weekend, it could only manage $10 million for a really pathetic $3,000 per-screen average. “But the film opened on a Wednesday,” I hear you cry! “Surely those extra two days will have provided an opening worthy of the once proud star of James Cameron’s Aquaman which is apparently a real thing that happens in Entourage at some point?” Well, keep dreaming, brah, as Entourage’s five-day total stalled out at $17 million, which still left it stuck in fourth place! The system works! The terrible disaster movie failed! Meanwhile, San Andreas took second with a shockingly great 50% drop between weekends.
I can keep making these awful jokes all day, folks.
This Full List wants you to hug it out, bro.
Box Office Results: Friday 5th June 2015 – Sunday 7th June 2015
1] Spy
$30,000,000 / NEW
Saw it again on Friday night with a nice big crowd, which is exactly the way that one should experience a good comedy. God, this film is so brilliant! I’m actually tempted to check out Miranda, which has always looked like insufferable tripe to me, thanks to Miranda Hart’s brilliant performance in this. I’m jealous of Paul Feig’s ability to assemble perfect casts with seemingly little effort, I really am.
2] San Andreas
$26,440,000 / $92,163,000
This is actually going to cross $100 million domestic by next weekend. Gonna be honest, I did not see that coming at all. Even after last weekend’s surprisingly great opening, I thought for sure that this would collapse spectacularly after word got out that it was really crap, but I guess Mr. The Rock holds way more sway than even I thought he did. Of course, next weekend, everyone’s newest crush, Chris Pratt, arrives to take what’s his, so expect San Andreas to take a tumble.
Hang on a minute… Million dollar idea: buddy-cop movie starring Chris Pratt and Mr. The Rock! How has this not already been optioned?! Call me, Hollywood! I’ll have the script ready for you in a week!
3] Insidious Chapter 3
$23,000,000 / NEW
I will never see these movies. I don’t hate them or anything like that, I’m just way too much of a wuss for jump-scare horror to ever want to see them. I prefer my terror to come from constant unsettling wrongness instead of the film equivalent of a song by a bad Pixies imitator. It’s not for me, and I’m OK with that. It’s not ruining humanity.
4] Entourage
$10,420,000 / $17,805,000 / NEW
(*buries head in hands and makes strangulated noise of pure disgust*) I have to see this tonight, and I really am not looking forward to it at all. I had planned to watch as much of the show as I could have before seeing the film, but I only made it through 4 episodes before tapping out. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. They are all terrible people! The show is so ragingly sexist it makes Love Actually look like f*cking Thelma & Louise! There are no dramatic stakes, no actual satire, and no reason to care about any of these raging assholes! WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS?!
God, I have to follow Spy with this. That’s like chasing down a delicious Ham & Turkey Subway with a Gin & Tonic comprised of vomit and dick cheese.
5] Mad Max: Fury Road
$7,970,000 / $130,804,000
This will collapse next week when Jurassic World comes a-calling, but it has now doubled its budget worldwide, pretty much guaranteeing an overall profit. We’re all OK, folks. We’re all OK.
$7,700,000 / $160,982,000
There’s the big fall! This will cross $250 million worldwide this week, and should also pass both The Spongebob Movie and Fifty Shades of Grey to become the fifth highest-grossing film of 2015 domestically by the time we reconvene next week, in any case. I know that we film critics aren’t supposed to be interested in the business side of things, for whatever reason, but it still does my heart good all the same to see quality films rewarded with large stacks of cash!
7] Tomorrowland
$7,022,000 / $76,236,000
As a possible result of this film failing, Disney has cancelled production on Tron 3, like I needed even more reasons to strongly dislike this bad movie. I mean, I’m not surprised – I am a legitimate and unironic Tron fan, I am used to disappointment by now – but I am still sad all the same. Tron: Legacy was fun, dammit! I need another Daft Punk score in my life, dammit! YOU NEVER FORMALLY CANCELLED THE EXCELLENT TRON: UPRISING, DISNEY! AT LEAST BRING THAT BACK!
8] The Avengers: Age of Ultron
$6,201,000 / $438,015,000
Age of Ultron has just passed the last Harry Potter to become the fifth highest grossing film of all-time worldwide. Got a feeling the superhero boom isn’t going away for a while yet. In fact, rather than having everyone moan about that again, can we maybe instead direct our ire at a recent glut of films that are actually even more interchangeable and irritating than superhero films? I am, of course, referring to Young Adult Adaptations. Yeah. Why do I have to sit through seven thousand thinkpieces and complaints about comic book movies, yet the Divergents and Maze Runners of this world get by with nary a shrug of the shoulders? Y’all do know that The Hunger Games existing doesn’t give this mostly-awful subgenre a pass, right?
9] Aloha
$3,300,000 / $16,342,000
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
10] Poltergeist
$2,850,000 / $44,452,000
(*in creepy horror movie child voice*) They’re leaving.
Dropped Out: Far From the Madding Crowd, Hot Pursuit, Home
Callie Petch wants to ride on a white horse.
Callie Petch 