The Bad Education Movie is a mixture of gross-out humour, mean-spirited insensitivity, and IRA imagery; all terrible.

Rather than expend incredibly unnecessary time and energy properly reviewing The Bad Education Movie – a film whose quality will be incredibly obvious to everyone by its mere existence – I am instead going to use this space to list for you just some of the things that happen in this movie.  If any of what I list sounds even slightly amusing to you, I want you to be sure to filter it through stilted acting and atrocious sub-TV level direction before you decide whether parting money to see this thing is genuinely a good idea.

One of the students laces Jack Whitehall’s burrito with magic mushrooms, causing him to trip whilst the class are visiting Anne Frank’s house.  The film’s idea of Jack Whitehall tripping is to have him gurn, play some vaguely Indian music on the soundtrack, and replace a student with a terrible Panda puppet.  This is a gag that is repeated at the end of the film because…?

Whilst high on shrooms, Jack Whitehall zips up his red hoodie and kidnaps the Anne Frank mannequin, setting off a joke-free and way-too-long chase sequence that the credits play over.  Eventually, this is all revealed to be an absolutely painful set-up for an obvious and unfunny E.T. reference because it is two-thousand-and-f*cking-fifteen.

Matthew Horne’s character is introduced with a self-made nametag that reads “President Barack O-Bantz”.

Joanna Scanlan calls a PTA meeting to order by firing off her rape whistle.  She is a humourless overprotective nag who finds Jack Whitehall to be the worst teacher ever, and a man who only still has a job because he’s protected by the staff either due to his father being Deputy Head, his girlfriend being the head of the teachers’ side of the PTA, and the principal being his best friend.  All of this is true, and he spends what little time he has with his class getting a tattoo and engaging in fake war games that only very slightly involve actual learning.  We, however, are supposed to hate Joanna Scanlan cos she’s boring and nagging and wants her son to receive a good education.

Joanna Scanlan has a gerbil fired up her vagina by a tennis ball machine.  It pleasures her greatly, seemingly.

Matthew Horne informs Jack Whitehall that he can’t take the kids on a trip to Las Vegas because the parents object and, more importantly, Horne invested the school’s holiday fund in Rolf Harris artwork, a punchline the film promptly holds on for about 15 seconds to make certain that you got.

Joanna Scanlan joins Class K and Whitehall on their trip to Cornwall, which Whitehall wanted to be a giant rager, and has ordered them to stick to an educational schedule, with her filming everything on her Google Glass to ensure that Whitehall gets in trouble if anyone goes off-script.

Jack Whitehall sails down a zipline half-naked after one of his students pulls down his trousers and pants and shoves him off with his prominently displayed cock and balls flapping in the wind.  This is a gag that is basically repeated at the end of the movie because utter laziness.  Side Bar: this is where it’s OK to show male nudity, but not the 18-rated adult sex drama?  OK, sure, whatever.

The students and Jack Whitehall are treated to a 2,000 year-old pube ring as a prominent historical artefact.  It gets loose, a dog licks it, Jack Whitehall is about to rescue it when security appears and, not wishing to be busted, Jack Whitehall puts the pube ring in his mouth and swallows it.

Upon arriving at a crappy B&B, Jack Whitehall discovers for the first time that all of his students are moving onto different schools next year and that this trip will be their last weekend together.  He is shocked and saddened by this even though his students are clearly 16, have just finished their exams, and obviously will be moving onto colleges and specialised schools next year, all things he should have known.

The cast walk into a pub full of shady, angry, hard-looking Cornwall men.  The gay stereotype – who you know is gay because he puts on a stereotypical effeminate voice – orders Smirnoff Ice which is funny because gay.

Thanks to an unfinished tattoo from earlier, Jack Whitehall is mistaken for a member of the CLA, “The Cornish Liberation Army”.  They will take up the majority of the second-half of the movie and are basically The IRA and have the tactics of The IRA – at one point they convince Jack Whitehall to unwittingly commit a legitimate act of domestic terrorism – except that they’re farmers and are old and want to secede Cornwall from the rest of England so this is hilarious.

Jack Whitehall plays Five Finger Fillet blindfolded and, after getting the main part right, stabs the nerdy student – who you know is nerdy because he’s fat and wears shirts with complex equations and chess pieces – in the hand.  Everybody flings random alcohol on it and the kid’s pained reaction causes him to hit something and set his arm on fire.  Joanna Scanlan witnesses all of this and does nothing because she wants to hurt Jack Whitehall for… some reason.

Jack Whitehall arranges for Joanna Scanlan to be smuggled into France against her knowledge and will.

Everybody hits up a strip club where their star stripper is a middle-aged women with prosthetic legs.  She is mocked and insulted and derided for all of this.

Joanna Scanlan gets back into England by hitchhiking in the back of a van filled with illegal immigrants.  That’s the joke.

Jack Whitehall’s Girlfriend, Harry Enfield, and Matthew Horne set off to Cornwall to hunt down Jack Whitehall and the class before they all get busted by middle-aged mothers, who are considered by all to be the worst human beings who ever lived.  Jack Whitehall’s Girlfriend has to tolerate Enfield and Horne and keep them from acting like man-children because women are not allowed to be funny in this movie.

The class and Whitehall attend a party of Whitehall’s old school friends who are rich bastards who always made fun of and abused him, but he hung around anyway because they at least acknowledged his existence.  This is material that was better covered in Fresh Meat and didn’t expect the audience to laugh at men suffering from dwarfism being covered in glitter and angel wings.

Jack Whitehall teabags a swan in public on a dare.  The swan promptly bites his dick and Whitehall has to fight it off.  The whole thing is only marginally better than the swan fight in Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.

There is more, but I’m going to stop there because I think I’ve made my point.  And also because spoilers, I guess.  I went on actual terrible school trips that were funnier than this.  This is tripe, don’t see it.  Soundtrack’s OK, though.

Callie Petch has no dark sarcasm in the classroom.