Suicide Squad starts strong, stumbles suddenly, suffers super; Nine Lives gets hit by a car and dies; and Other Box Office News.

(*reads the other Box Office Reports from other outlets*)

Are you idiots all high?

OK, yes, I guess you could consider Suicide Squad a win since it opened in the top spot with $135 million – the biggest August opening weekend of all-time – if you go purely by the selectively-chosen numbers and ex-records that really don’t mean as much as people are going to end up hyping them to be.  But seeing another round of those “critics don’t matter” takes and unironic usages of the words “slay” and “dominate” being attached to the film’s performance?  Yeah, no, nu-uh, not even close.  First of all, Suicide Squad was always going to break that August opening weekend record no matter what.  You know why?  Cos nobody releases dick during August!  August is the time when you dump shit like Alien vs. Predator into cinemas, cos you know nobody else will watch it at any other point in the year, and even then you only open those films in the first week or two of the month.  Plus, it was released on over 4,000 screens and had been hyped for a good two years straight!  Of course it was going to cross $100 mil!

But as to why you all have majorly jumped the gun if you’re trying to paint this opening figure as a genuine success can be found in the day-to-day box office grosses.  After a super-strong $65 mil opening Friday (which had been considerably beefed up by $20 million in Thursday night preview screenings), Suicide Squad proceeded to plummet a full 40% on Saturday and then another 20% from that on the Sunday.  You might have seen this kind of performance before, specifically pertaining to Batman v. Superman’s opening weekend from March of this year, when that started huge and then proceeded to plummet quite spectacularly by weekend’s end.  And what followed a disastrous performance and horrid word-of-mouth like that, again?  Oh, yeah!  I remember!  A 69% drop in a weekend when nothing else came out, and final totals domestically of under $340 mil and worldwide of well under $1 billion.

Now, sure, Suicide Squad’s “B+” Cinemascore is techically one point higher than BvS’ “B,” but Cinemascore ratings this Summer have been proven to be worthy of equal value to a fist in the face.  Plus, y’know, they’re actually releasing films this August.  So, now that the blind fervour of the pre-release twit machine has finally seen the shitpile Warner Bros. have dumped into theatres and learned to maybe not get so devoted and defensive towards a film they hadn’t seen yet in case it’s shit (only to inevitably forget said lesson by the time whatever-the-hell rolls around), the question now hangs on just how much Suicide Squad inevitably collapses next weekend.  Cos, if this Summer has taught anything, it’s that the public are fickle, easily-scorned mistresses.  Christ, I can’t believe that Disney’s apparent marketing strategy of just plain not advertising Pete’s Dragon might actually pay off by default…

Meanwhile, the “Kevin Spacey gets trapped in a cat” “family” “movie” Nine Lives bombed to the tune of $6.5 million because who honestly was going to fucking go see that movie, let’s be real?

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This Full List is a hell of a lot more coherent than Suicide Squad was.  I mean, that’s not saying much, but satisfying low expectations is the norm with this site.

US Box Office Results: Friday 5th August 2016 – Sunday 7th August 2016

1] Suicide Squad

$135,105,000 / NEW

The review will be along tomorrow.  It’s done (by the time you read this it will have been at any rate), but I don’t like putting two articles on the site on the same day.  I feel it cannibalises potential traffic.  Still, if the public wants it, I might it run it later this afternoon.  Harass me on Twitter over this negligible thing!

2] Jason Bourne

$22,170,000 / $103,416,020

Got a spoilery piece on this inbound later this week once I get around to actually, err, writing it.  [FUTURE EDIT: Tried, but never managed to crack it.]  I’m juggling a lot of things right now, lay off!  As for the film itself, I really didn’t like it.  It’s so utterly pointless, keeps making the worst possible storytelling choices that end up undoing the original trilogy, and doesn’t have enough going on to justify its two hour length – the longest Jason Bourne film so far.  I guess this one hurts more because that original trilogy was so airtight and had been capped off perfectly by Ultimatum, one of the 2000s’ best thrillers, so for this to exist and be so terrible feels like when a flawless cult band reunites, tours for the money, and then puts out new material so awful that it retroactively taints their otherwise-impeccable legacy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Jason Bourne series is the Pixies.

3] Bad Moms

$14,204,000 / $51,050,830

Look, I know that I should expect the worst, but with the fucking David Brent movie due along in two weeks, I am honestly relishing a film that at least made me chuckle in the trailers and doesn’t threaten to bore me to tears.  I’m not sure if I’ve communicated it to you well enough yet, but this has been an absolutely ghastly Summer.

4] The Secret Life of Pets

$11,560,000 / $319,578,780

This is getting a sequel now, unsurprisingly.  What is surprising is that it’s due in less than two years’ time, which is an absolutely insane timeframe to get a big tent pole Summer animated movie done.  Does this mean that Illumination are going to finally follow my advice and make that vignette-based Pets movie that’s all about small-scale observational humour, consequently standing out from the rest of the animated pack by trying new daring things?  Almost definitely not.  Still, at this rate, Pets is going to end up on my Top Films of 2016 list and that’s a really depressing thought.

5] Star Trek Beyond

$10,200,000 / $127,901,364

You see what happens when you purely make Big Ticket movies, try to sell all of them as Must-See Movie of the Summer Events, then schedule them all one week after another so that the public stops finding any of these to be events, just interchangeable slop, and subsequently desert you after opening weekend if they even show up at all?  Cos that’s how you get ants.

6] Nine Lives

$6,500,000 / NEW

I feel like this is my fault for openly wishing for more family films.  I ask for that and in return the film industry elects to remind me of exactly why that type of film went away by smushing up all the worst parts of mid-00’s family filmmaking into one concentrated nostalgia-buster of a movie.  So, yeah, sorry, everyone.  I’m the reason this gritty knock-off reboot of Garfield exists.  Add it to my list of many sins over the years.

7] Lights Out

$6,005,000 / $54,714,252

As prophesised two weeks’ back: I got nuthin’ here.

8] Nerve

$4,900,000 / $26,888,794

This comes out over here this week but most likely won’t be on the list next week, so YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF IT!  (*maniacal laughter*)

9] Ghostbusters

$4,800,000 / $116,711,936

Well, shit.  Now I’m just sad.  I guess I should take comfort that we got this wonderful little movie at all, but not only do I selfishly want lots more of this specific Ghostbusters movie, there’s now basically zero incentive for Halloween costume stores to make better nu-Ghostbusters costumes for me!  I mean, look at this shit!  Inflatable proton packs?!  Vinyl jumpsuits?!  Whatever in God’s they’re trying to pass off as wigs?!  How am I supposed to rock up to Halloween parties and Holtzmann the place with this shite?

Trick question, I don’t get invited to Halloween parties.

10] Ice Age: Collision Course

$4,300,000 / $53,539,797

In case you haven’t read it yet, here’s another link to that giant all-encompassing Ice Age retrospective that I finished and posted last week.  I do genuinely believe that it’s one of my best pieces with some good analysis on a topic we all collectively forget about as soon as it’s brought up, so do go and give it a read (if you haven’t already) and share it about (if you have)!  I will also say, mind, that I am going to take it as a personal insult if somebody else tries to write something more about this series.  I mean, I’ve wasted 4,800 words on the thing.  If there really is more to be said about goddamn Ice Age of all things, then I’ve basically failed at my task.

Dropped Out: Finding Dory, The Legend of Tarzan

Callie Petch just loves girl bands, how they take command.