LEGO Batman builds a better Box Office… with sexy results! Fifty Shades Darker whips the competition into submission… with sexy results! John Wick is thinking he’s back… with sexy results! and Other Box Office News.
Well, would you look at that! You wait all month for the Box Office to kick itself into some semblance of life, and then it goes and releases three big films in one weekend! And all films that target entirely different groups of viewers, at that! It would have been nice to have this kind of action in the throes of late-January instead of having to make jokes about Gold or whatever, but I’ll take what I can get. What I can get, in this instance, is a new Batman movie, and those are always good for a Box Office Report! Even better, it’s a LEGO Batman movie, so in theory, this should have been a runaway Box Office mega-smash, right? Well, not really, although it’s still not a failure by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s your brand new #1, dethroning Split at long last with $55.6 million. It is, however, far lower than The LEGO Movie’s $69 million (nice) opening from back in 2014. Goddammit, if you assholes end up ignoring the whole point of this movie by shunning it because it’s goofy and silly Batman, I am going to pitch such a giant shitfit, I swear to God!
That said, The LEGO Movie didn’t have to open to particularly strong competition. Competition hell-bent on getting everybody else to submit to its whims in order to satisfy its kinky desires. Yes, it’s the return of everybody’s socially-acceptable faux-erotica-adaptation series, Fifty Shades, now coming to you Darker, like it has been taking lessons from LEGO Batman or something. Similarly, whilst its $46 million second place opening is leagues behind Grey’s performance, one that left prior Box Office records begging for mercy like the naughty beings they are, Darker had to contend with a non-Holiday weekend, Valentine’s Day not being on a weekend this year, the first one being legendarily shit, and the fact that Fifty Shades as a whole just kind of faded away from most public consciousness since Grey’s release. But, hey! Never underestimate the market for people who want to see Dakota Johnson stick vaginal beads up her Youknowwhat! Those who want the horny but not too much of the horny, and Fifty Shades is here to satisfy (?) those needs.
So, what of John Wick: Chapter 2? That’s what you all came here to hear about, let’s be honest. The original became somewhat of a sleeper hit once it hit home media, when the friends and relatives of those who had seen it were no longer able to avoid watching the thing that the John Wick veterans had been raving about for the past six months and too fell under its spell, but that doesn’t always guarantee decent numbers for the eventual sequel. One need only look at last year’s litany of needless comedy sequels/reboots for evidence of that. Plus, John Wick was trounced by Ouija, fuckin’ Ouija, in its original opening, which I reacted to in the sane and reasoned manner that you’d expect from me. Well, good news! Unlike the other two sequels released this weekend, Chapter 2 managed to improve significantly upon the original’s opening, doubling its money to the tune of $30 million for the weekend! Maybe we’ll get Chapter 3 after all! The world is not a completely hopeless and miserable place!
“But what about original movies?” you cry out like a whiney baby who has yet to experience the pure joy and awesomeness of either LEGO Batman or John Wick. Well, lucky for you, Fox Searchlight finally got around to dumping Amma Assante’s A United Kingdom onto your shores, after the rest of the UK got sick of justifiably shrugging this mediocre Failed Oscar Bait to death. It is technically your Per-Screen Average winner of the weekend, if one discounts the fact that Kedi’s $40,510 came from its single screen, with a $17,500 average across its 4 screens, but $70,000 total is still not exactly anything to write home about, especially when LEGO Batman managed an average of only $3,000 less from 4,000 more screens. Also worthy of mentioning before we get down into the nitty-gritty: xXx: Return of Xander Cage, which dropped off the list here altogether this week, opened in China this past weekend and… well… saying $61.9 million from 6,600 locations is quite the windfall would be the major understatement of the morning. Does this give hope for the continuing adventures of Xander Cage? Seeing as that Warcraft sequel still isn’t happening yet, I’d hazard a guess as to “no,” but isn’t wild speculation fun to do?
Transition Sentence. All important Full Lists start with a Transition Sentence.
US Box Office Results: Friday 10th February 2017 – Sunday 12th February 2017
1] The LEGO Batman Movie
$55,635,000 / NEW
Preview screenings meant that I got to see this last weekend and then managed to turn around a review in time for when you lot got to see it! So go read that if you’re yet to! I also saw the film again this weekend, in a nearly sold-out screening which is incredibly noteworthy, and found it to be exactly as fantastic the second time around! What a movie, folks! Just super sweet and super hilarious all the way through, something that the whole audience of all shapes and sizes and genders agreed on, OWEN.
2] Fifty Shades Darker
$46,797,825 / NEW
A review will be up tomorrow. For the record, I did try to gain some level of enjoyment out of it, and it managed to make me realise that I was far too unnecessarily harsh on the first one, but dear God, a film has to meet me halfway for that to happen! That usually starts by said film not being so utterly soulless and corporate.
3] John Wick Chapter 2
$30,015,000 / NEW
It’s not out here until Friday. I would have seen it 14 times by now if it were out here this past weekend. Have I mentioned that John Wick is still the best action movie of the decade enough times, yet?
4] Split
$9,321,110 / $112,293,380
Remember when James McAvoy was… OK, maybe not so much “great,” but decent, at least? Or even just picked good and/or interesting projects? Yeah, those were a fun… err… *actually looks at filmography* OK, this guy really needs to either fire his agent or get an agent.
5] Hidden Figures
$8,000,000 / $131,452,250
Out this weekend, finally, so then I can actually provide commentary of substance about the damn thing, other than pleasantly surprised shock at it doing so damn well.
6] A Dog’s Purpose
$7,365,335 / $42,595,010
Nobody gives a shit about this, so let me instead change tack to something entirely different: HOLY CRAP, where did that last Kong: Skull Island trailer come from?! I saw it before Fifty Shades Darker yesterday, and that film has suddenly jumped from “oh, that’s a thing that exists, I guess” right up to “I am very much interested in what this party is selling.” I still refuse to believe that the film will actually nail its colonialism themes, because I happen to be adept at pattern recognition in the works of Warner Bros. Pictures, but it looks like it is going to be one hell of a fun ride regardless of that, so count me in!
7] Rings
$5,820,000 / $21,492,286
Don’t make a hacky Fifty Shades joke, don’t make a hacky Fifty Shades joke…
8] La La Land
$5,000,000 / $126,010,345
Congrats to La La Land for its completely-expected Best Film victory at last night’s BAFTAs, and commiserations/condolences to La La Land for the continued unfair mounting of backlash growing against it as a result of stuff like that! People, relax about this! If they didn’t give it to La La Land, it would have just gone to Manchester by the Sea! I think we can agree that this is the more preferable of the two possible outcomes.
9] Lion
$4,083,000 / $30,368,722
What is the big deal with Sia, exactly? This is a question I’ve been asking myself repeatedly for the past year now, as she continues to solidify her position in the pop world through the most generic, soulless, and interchangeable music one could make, and I don’t get it. People keep raving about her voice, but I’m failing to find anything special about it? When she goes Big, she wildly over-sings to an ear-splitting degree, and most other times she simply adapts her voice into a near-perfect imitation of the Pop Star the song was clearly meant for in the first place, which doesn’t sell me on her that much. What is the big deal supposed to be, here? Answers on a postcard, please.
10] The Space Between Us
$1,760,000 / $6,595,158
This, much like Fences – side note: WHAT THE FUCK, PARAMOUNT UK?! – did not get released near me, but you had better believe that I will see it before too long! Seriously, every single thing about this movie sounds like pure gold to me in the same way Collateral Beauty was! There is no way in hell that I am going to voluntarily skip out on the opportunity to see this!
Dropped Out: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, Sing, xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Callie Petch will be burned inside the fires of a thousand suns.
Callie Petch 