My Fantasy Awards Booking 2019

How Awards Season could’ve looked in a less imbecilic universe.

The BAFTAs were a week ago and, whilst still utterly perplexing in many a respect – BAFTA Winner, Bohemian arse-cumming Rhapsody – they could’ve been a lot worse.  The 92nd Academy Awards are next week, assuming the beleaguered twits in charge of this year’s ceremony don’t just decide to cancel the whole thing at the last minute to stop all the complaints about their cack-handed ideas like a parent taking all of the kids’ toys away so they’ll stop arguing about who gets to play with what, and at least are working from the advantage of a marginally-better nominations slate than the BAFTAs (key word being “marginal”) so maybe they’ll also not be The Worst.  And the Drunk Oscars were a month ago and, much like the Dover Boys of Pimento University, they drove me to drink.  This year’s Awards Season has been especially interminable since, even more so than usual, the standardised nominee slate has been proudly ignorant of where the best cinema from those twelve months came from, which is true of almost every year given the Academies on both sides of the Atlantic having a bias and systemic disadvantage against genre pictures and minority/female cinema, but 2019’s Awards Season definitely feels like a tipping point.  I mean, Bohemian dick-piercing Rhapsody is an AWARD-WINNING FILM and those awards are somehow not Razzies!

Still, in the absence of quality realistic chances to root for, we can at least fantasise a better nominee slate in some hypothetical more-just universe that doesn’t give me crippling panic attacks every single day no matter how much I try to avoid triggering phenomena – thanks a lot for this when I just wanted to watch Notting Hill, WWF.  Three years ago, my friend (and writer so infinitely more talented than me that using the phrase “colleague” feels like an insult towards him due to it implying I’m even in the same profession) Kyle Turner fantasy-booked a better 2016 Awards Season than the one we actually got.  Since I have no original bones in my body, I stole the idea and have done my own version of it every year since.  At least with this we can finally send off 2018 for good and look forward to brighter days so long as nobody remembers that Tom Hooper’s Cats is coming December 2019.  As usual: no winners, no descriptors, still not seen everything, any rationale can likely be found in my Top 20 series or my BAFTA noms rundown, this is just a fun thought exercise.

Best Picture

Black Panther
First Reformed
If Beale Street Could Talk
Sorry to Bother You
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Best Director

Desiree Akhavan The Miseducation of Cameron Post
Ari Aster Hereditary
Barry Jenkins If Beale Street Could Talk
Steve McQueen Widows
Bob Perischetti, Peter Ramsey & Rodney Rothman Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Best Actor

Marcello Fonte Marcello Dogman
Ethan Hawke Rev. Toller First Reformed
Stephan James Alonzo “Fonny” Hunt If Beale Street Could Talk
Lakeith Stanfield Cassius Green Sorry to Bother You
John David Washington Ron Stallworth BlacKkKlansman

Best Actress

Toni Colette Annie Graham Hereditary
Viola Davis Veronica Rawlings Widows
Nicole Kidman Erin Bell Destroyer
Maxine Peake Funny Cow Funny Cow
Constance Wu Rachel Chu Crazy Rich Asians

Best Supporting Actor

Richard E. Grant Jack Hock Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Brian Tyree Henry Daniel Carty If Beale Street Could Talk
Michael B. Jordan Erik “Killmonger” Stevens/N’Jadaka Black Panther
Daniel Kaluuya Jatemme Manning Widows
Alex Wolff Peter Graham Hereditary

Best Supporting Actress

Elizabeth Debicki Alice Gunner Widows
Regina King Sharon Rivers If Beale Street Could Talk
Anya Taylor-Joy Lily Thoroughbreds
Tessa Thompson Detroit Sorry to Bother You
Michelle Yeoh Eleanor Sung-Young Crazy Rich Asians

Best Original Screenplay

First Reformed Paul Schraeder
Hereditary Ari Aster
Isle of Dogs Wes Anderson (screenplay); Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola, Jason Schwartzman & Kunichi Nomura (story)
Sorry to Bother You Boots Riley
Thoroughbreds Cory Finley

Best Adapted Screenplay

Black Panther Ryan Coogler & Joe Robert Cole
BlacKkKlansman Charlie Wachtel, David Rabinowitz, Kevin Willmott & Spike Lee
If Beale Street Could Talk Barry Jenkins
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Phil Lord & Rodney Rothman (screenplay), Phil Lord (story)
Widows Gillian Flynn & Steve McQueen

Best Animated Feature

Isle of Dogs
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Teen Titans GO! To the Movies

Best Cinematography

Annihilation Rob Hardy
First Reformed Alexander Dynan
Hereditary Pawel Pogorzelski
If Beale Street Could Talk James Laxton
Revenge Robrecht Heyvaert

Best Original Score

Black Panther Ludwig Göransson
Hereditary Colin Stetson
If Beale Street Could Talk Nicholas Britell
Mandy Jóhann Jóhannsson
Ocean’s 8 Daniel Pemberton

Best Original Song

All the Stars Kendrick Lamar & SZA Kendrick Duckworth, Mark Spears, Al Shuckburgh, Solána Rowe & Anthony Tiffith Black Panther
OYAHTT The Coup Feat. Lakeith Stanfield Damion Gallegos & Boots Riley Sorry to Bother You
Shallow Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga Lady Gaga, Andrew Wyatt, Anthony Rossomando & Mark Ronson A Star is Born
Sunflower Post Malone & Swae Lee Austin Richard Post, Khalif Malik ibn Shaman Brown, Carter Lang, Billy Walsh & Louis Bell Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Suspirium Thom Yorke Thom Yorke Suspiria

Best Editing

BlacKkKlansman Barry Alexander Brown
Hereditary Jennifer Lame & Lucian Johnston
Revenge Coralie Fargeat, Bruno Safar & Jérôme Eltabet
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Robert Fisher, Jr.
Widows Joe Walker

Best Production Design

Annihilation Mark Digby
Black Panther Hannah Beachler
Crazy Rich Asians Nelson Coates
Hereditary Grace Yun
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Justin Thompson

Best Visual Effects

First Man
Isle of Dogs
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Sorry to Bother You

Best Costume Design

A Simple Favor Renee Ehrlich Kalfus
Black Panther Ruth E. Carter
Crazy Rich Asians Mary E. Vogt
Ocean’s 8 Sarah Edwards
Skate Kitchen Camille Garmendia

Callum Petch is told that this is life and pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it.

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