How Awards Season could’ve looked in a less imbecilic universe.
The BAFTAs were a week ago and, whilst still utterly perplexing in many a respect – BAFTA Winner, Bohemian arse-cumming Rhapsody – they could’ve been a lot worse. The 92nd Academy Awards are next week, assuming the beleaguered twits in charge of this year’s ceremony don’t just decide to cancel the whole thing at the last minute to stop all the complaints about their cack-handed ideas like a parent taking all of the kids’ toys away so they’ll stop arguing about who gets to play with what, and at least are working from the advantage of a marginally-better nominations slate than the BAFTAs (key word being “marginal”) so maybe they’ll also not be The Worst. And the Drunk Oscars were a month ago and, much like the Dover Boys of Pimento University, they drove me to drink. This year’s Awards Season has been especially interminable since, even more so than usual, the standardised nominee slate has been proudly ignorant of where the best cinema from those twelve months came from, which is true of almost every year given the Academies on both sides of the Atlantic having a bias and systemic disadvantage against genre pictures and minority/female cinema, but 2019’s Awards Season definitely feels like a tipping point. I mean, Bohemian dick-piercing Rhapsody is an AWARD-WINNING FILM and those awards are somehow not Razzies!
Still, in the absence of quality realistic chances to root for, we can at least fantasise a better nominee slate in some hypothetical more-just universe that doesn’t give me crippling panic attacks every single day no matter how much I try to avoid triggering phenomena – thanks a lot for this when I just wanted to watch Notting Hill, WWF. Three years ago, my friend (and writer so infinitely more talented than me that using the phrase “colleague” feels like an insult towards him due to it implying I’m even in the same profession) Kyle Turner fantasy-booked a better 2016 Awards Season than the one we actually got. Since I have no original bones in my body, I stole the idea and have done my own version of it every year since. At least with this we can finally send off 2018 for good and look forward to brighter days so long as nobody remembers that Tom Hooper’s Cats is coming December 2019. As usual: no winners, no descriptors, still not seen everything, any rationale can likely be found in my Top 20 series or my BAFTA noms rundown, this is just a fun thought exercise.
Best Picture
| Annihilation |
| Black Panther |
| BlacKkKlansman |
| First Reformed |
| Hereditary |
| If Beale Street Could Talk |
| Sorry to Bother You |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
| Thoroughbreds |
| Widows |
Best Director
| Desiree Akhavan |
The Miseducation of Cameron Post |
| Ari Aster |
Hereditary |
| Barry Jenkins |
If Beale Street Could Talk |
| Steve McQueen |
Widows |
| Bob Perischetti, Peter Ramsey & Rodney Rothman |
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
Best Actor
| Marcello Fonte |
Marcello |
Dogman |
| Ethan Hawke |
Rev. Toller |
First Reformed |
| Stephan James |
Alonzo “Fonny” Hunt |
If Beale Street Could Talk |
| Lakeith Stanfield |
Cassius Green |
Sorry to Bother You |
| John David Washington |
Ron Stallworth |
BlacKkKlansman |
Best Actress
| Toni Colette |
Annie Graham |
Hereditary |
| Viola Davis |
Veronica Rawlings |
Widows |
| Nicole Kidman |
Erin Bell |
Destroyer |
| Maxine Peake |
Funny Cow |
Funny Cow |
| Constance Wu |
Rachel Chu |
Crazy Rich Asians |
Best Supporting Actor
| Richard E. Grant |
Jack Hock |
Can You Ever Forgive Me? |
| Brian Tyree Henry |
Daniel Carty |
If Beale Street Could Talk |
| Michael B. Jordan |
Erik “Killmonger” Stevens/N’Jadaka |
Black Panther |
| Daniel Kaluuya |
Jatemme Manning |
Widows |
| Alex Wolff |
Peter Graham |
Hereditary |
Best Supporting Actress
| Elizabeth Debicki |
Alice Gunner |
Widows |
| Regina King |
Sharon Rivers |
If Beale Street Could Talk |
| Anya Taylor-Joy |
Lily |
Thoroughbreds |
| Tessa Thompson |
Detroit |
Sorry to Bother You |
| Michelle Yeoh |
Eleanor Sung-Young |
Crazy Rich Asians |
Best Original Screenplay
| First Reformed |
Paul Schraeder |
| Hereditary |
Ari Aster |
| Isle of Dogs |
Wes Anderson (screenplay); Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola, Jason Schwartzman & Kunichi Nomura (story) |
| Sorry to Bother You |
Boots Riley |
| Thoroughbreds |
Cory Finley |
Best Adapted Screenplay
| Black Panther |
Ryan Coogler & Joe Robert Cole |
| BlacKkKlansman |
Charlie Wachtel, David Rabinowitz, Kevin Willmott & Spike Lee |
| If Beale Street Could Talk |
Barry Jenkins |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
Phil Lord & Rodney Rothman (screenplay), Phil Lord (story) |
| Widows |
Gillian Flynn & Steve McQueen |
Best Animated Feature
| Isle of Dogs |
| Mirai |
| Smallfoot |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
| Teen Titans GO! To the Movies |
Best Cinematography
| Annihilation |
Rob Hardy |
| First Reformed |
Alexander Dynan |
| Hereditary |
Pawel Pogorzelski |
| If Beale Street Could Talk |
James Laxton |
| Revenge |
Robrecht Heyvaert |
Best Original Score
| Black Panther |
Ludwig Göransson |
| Hereditary |
Colin Stetson |
| If Beale Street Could Talk |
Nicholas Britell |
| Mandy |
Jóhann Jóhannsson |
| Ocean’s 8 |
Daniel Pemberton |
Best Original Song
| All the Stars |
Kendrick Lamar & SZA |
Kendrick Duckworth, Mark Spears, Al Shuckburgh, Solána Rowe & Anthony Tiffith |
Black Panther |
| OYAHTT |
The Coup Feat. Lakeith Stanfield |
Damion Gallegos & Boots Riley |
Sorry to Bother You |
| Shallow |
Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga |
Lady Gaga, Andrew Wyatt, Anthony Rossomando & Mark Ronson |
A Star is Born |
| Sunflower |
Post Malone & Swae Lee |
Austin Richard Post, Khalif Malik ibn Shaman Brown, Carter Lang, Billy Walsh & Louis Bell |
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
| Suspirium |
Thom Yorke |
Thom Yorke |
Suspiria |
Best Editing
| BlacKkKlansman |
Barry Alexander Brown |
| Hereditary |
Jennifer Lame & Lucian Johnston |
| Revenge |
Coralie Fargeat, Bruno Safar & Jérôme Eltabet |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
Robert Fisher, Jr. |
| Widows |
Joe Walker |
Best Production Design
| Annihilation |
Mark Digby |
| Black Panther |
Hannah Beachler |
| Crazy Rich Asians |
Nelson Coates |
| Hereditary |
Grace Yun |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
Justin Thompson |
Best Visual Effects
| Annihilation |
| First Man |
| Isle of Dogs |
| Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse |
| Sorry to Bother You |
Best Costume Design
| A Simple Favor |
Renee Ehrlich Kalfus |
| Black Panther |
Ruth E. Carter |
| Crazy Rich Asians |
Mary E. Vogt |
| Ocean’s 8 |
Sarah Edwards |
| Skate Kitchen |
Camille Garmendia |
Callum Petch is told that this is life and pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it.
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