A kinder, fairer, better Awards Season line-up (cos I picked it all).

The sounds of a million film fans simultaneous cries of absolute disgust at the latest ignorant xenophobic/racist shit being spewed from the Brutally Honest Oscar Ballot series must mean that the Academy Awards are this Sunday!  And with them, the end of yet another interminable Awards Season dogged by petty snubs, a steadfast refusal to let POCs, women, and LGBTQ+ folks into the increasingly out-of-touch White straight boys’ club, and ceaseless thinkpieces arguing about the Season from every possible angle that end up repeating the exact same narratives every single year without fail like it’s a WWE writer’s room – “I know it’s been barely a month since we did our last cucking angle, but that just means it’s rested and ready to come back into vogue!”

Anywho, for the last few years, I’ve liked to cap off the whole sordid, blood-pressure-inflaming affair by fantasy booking my own awards show as a counter to our miserable normalised authoritarian existence – seriously, why the fuck aren’t more people furious about the government repeatedly trying to classify Extinction Rebellion as a terror group?!  Like all my best ideas, I stole it from my more talented friends at the time (shout-outs to Kyle Turner again) and I’ve kept on doing so cos routine and all that.  As per usual: no winners, no descriptors, no long-winded reasonings (although you can probably find what you’re looking for in the Top 20 of 2019 series or my BAFTA nominations piece).  This is just a nice thought exercise.

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Best Film

Beats

Booksmart

Hustlers

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Knives Out

Little Women

Midsommar

Parasite

The Farewell

Uncut Gems

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Best Director

Ari Aster	Midsommar
Greta Gerwig	Little Women
Bong Joon-ho	Parasite
Lorene Scafaria	Hustlers
Lulu Wang	The Farewell

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Best Actor

Antonio Banderas	Salvador Mallo	Pain and Glory
Song Kang-ho	Kim Ki-taek	Parasite
Daniel Kaluuya	Slim	Queen & Slim
Eddie Murphy	Rudy Ray Moore	Dolemite is My Name
Adam Sandler	Howard Ratner	Uncut Gems

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Best Actress

Awkwafina	Billi Wang	The Farewell
Elisabeth Moss	Becky Something	Her Smell
Lupita Nyong’o	Adelaide Wilson/Red	Us
Florence Pugh	Dani Ardor	Midsommar
Saoirse Ronan	Jo March	Little Women

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Best Supporting Actor

Sterling K. Brown	Ronald Williams	Waves
Timothée Chalamet	Theodore Laurence	Little Women
Noah Jupe	Otis Lort [12 Years Old]	Honey Boy
Lorn Macdonald	Spanner	Beats
Joe Pesci	Russell Bufalino	The Irishman

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Best Supporting Actress

Kaitlyn Dever	Amy Antsler	Booksmart
Jennifer Lopez	Ramona Vega	Hustlers
De’Vine Joy Randolph	Lady Reed	Dolemite is My Name
Taylor Russell	Emily Williams	Waves
Zhao Shuzhen	Nai Nai	The Farewell

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Best Original Screenplay

Booksmart	Susanna Fogel, Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins and Katie Silberman
Her Smell	Alex Ross Perry
Knives Out	Rian Johnson
Midsommar	Ari Aster
Parasite	Bong Joon-ho and Han Jin-won

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Best Adapted Screenplay

Beats	Kieran Hurley and Brian Welsh
Hustlers	Lorene Scafaria
Little Women	Greta Gerwig
The Farewell	Lulu Wang
The Irishman	Steven Zallian

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Best Animated Feature

A Shaun the Sheep Movie: Farmageddon

I Lost My Body

Klaus

The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

Toy Story 4

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Best Film Not In the English Language

For Sama

I Lost My Body

Pain and Glory

Parasite

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

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Best Documentary

Amazing Grace

Apollo 11

For Sama

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Best Cinematography

1917	Roger Deakins
Hustlers	Todd Banhazl
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum	Dan Laustsen
Little Women	Yorick Le Saux
Midsommar	Pawel Pogorzelski

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Best Original Score

Her Smell	Keegan DeWitt
In Fabric	Cavern of Anti-Matter
Midsommar	Bobby Krlic
The Farewell	Alex Weston
Uncut Gems	Daniel Lopatin

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Best Editing

Amazing Grace	Jeff Buchanan
Booksmart	Brent White and Jamie Gross
Little Women	Nick Houy
The Irishman	Thelma Schoonmaker
Uncut Gems	Ronald Bronstein and Benny Safdie

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Best Production Design

Little Women	Jess Gonchor
Midsommar	Henrik Svensson
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood	Barbara Ling
Parasite	Lee Ha-jun
The Lighthouse	Craig Lathrop

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Best Visual Effects

Avengers: Endgame

Klaus

Midsommar

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

The Irishman

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Best Costume Design

Dolemite is My Name	Ruth E. Carter
Little Women	Jacqueline Durran
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood	Arianne Phillips
Parasite	Choi Se-yeon
Portrait of a Lady on Fire	Dorothée Guiraud

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Callum Petch wants another chance (but they can’t swim).