Uncharted successfully keeps its foothold, Studio 666 is condemned, Cyrano comes up [CHEAP OBVIOUS JOKE DELETED], and Other Box Office News.

Note: this article originally ran on Set the Tape (link).

The Batman is coming, but he’s coming like Lancelot in that one Monty Python & The Holy Grail gag so we still have some time to kill before finding out whether the umpteenth Dark & Gritty^TM take on the man who dresses up in a spandex bat costume to beat up cartoon thugs is any match for three Spider-Men.  After all, why release anything worthwhile in the three-week Batman window when it’s going to be crushed or instantly forgotten?  Therefore, much of the chart is the same as last week’s.  The meh treasure-hunting flick masquerading as an official Uncharted movie kept ahold of the #1 slot with surprising ease, dropping less than 50% in its second weekend, indicating that America has a fever and the only cure prescribe-able is more Tom Holland.  It’s already sailed past Scream Crystal to become the biggest film of 2022, a feat everyone involved should savour for the next 48 hours before The Batman eats its lunch and the lunch of everyone else in the building and then the building itself.

Speaking of that one Holy Grail gag, Joe Wright’s take on Cyrano which I keep being under the impression has been out for at least three months finally got its proper release this weekend.  That said, and in keeping with the completely bungled rollout of this apparently really good little movie, it was only available in 797 theatres, barely squeaking over into official Wide release designation.  Combining that with, again, the fact that this thing has been “coming soon” since Thanksgiving, little wonder the Peter Dinklage-led dramatic musical only scraped ninth place with $1.4 million.  Yet, that’s better than vanity project goof Studio 666 managed to perform, at least once you break down the specifics behind the numbers.  Sure, the Foo Fighters in-joke came in one place higher than Cyrano with $1.58 million, but it also played on 2,306 screens – almost treble of Cyrano’s – so came in with a significantly lower PTA ($685 to Cyrano’s $1,756).  Both movies, however, arguably got trounced by the 50^th anniversary reissue of The Godfather which played on just 156 screens, made $723,000 overall, and a PTA of $4,634.  So, in this battle between the fighters of Foo and the National front, both sides were wiped out by the Italian mafia just like God intended.

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Hello, this Full List has waited here for you, everlong.

US Box Office Results: Friday 25th February 2022 – Sunday 27th February 2022

1] Uncharted

$23,250,000 / $83,385,478

Bit of a hot take this, I imagine, but I’d rather not see Ruben Fleischer do a Jak & Daxter movie.  *thunderous applause*  In fact, I’d much rather that Sony commission someone to make a new Jak & Daxter game instead!  *earth-shaking applause*  One more in line with The Precursor Legacy because it’s aged significantly better than the bad edgy Grand Theft Auto-wannabe sequels.  *cacophonous boos*  Why are you booing me?!  I’m right!

2] Dog

$10,127,944 / $30,899,028

Significantly better hold than I was expecting.  The public have a chafing for Channing!  Not too late for Warner Bros. to put Magic Mike 3 on cinema screens where it belongs instead of banishing it direct-to-HBO Max!

3] Spider-Man: No Way Home

$5,750,053 / $779,887,000

In local neighbourhood Spider-Man news, an all-new “dark” take limited series on the webbed wonder is being prepped over at Marvel from the pen of *checks notes* Taboo of The Black Eyed Peas?!

4] Death on the Nile

$4,500,000 / $32,754,766

I can’t think of a decent segway for this one, so I’m just gonna drop right into it.  Paul Regan recently had the opportunity to chat with national treasure Brian Blessed about his role in the audio drama adaptation of Omega!  What a coup!  Go read!

5] Jackass Forever

$3,175,000 / $52,069,725

Johnny Knoxville’s gonna end WrestleMania this year the Intercontinental Champion, isn’t he?  Sod it, at least that’d be something mildly and intentionally fun pulled off by that miserable excuse for a wrestling promotion.  *boos from the WWE hardcore contingent* Your boos mean nothing, I’ve seen what makes you cheer!

6] Sing 2

$2,110,000 / $151,204,205

Want to instead see a good musical?  Lee Thacker’s been to check out the stage adaptation of cult 90s queer-com But I’m a Cheerleader! and was positively rapturous about the results!

7] Marry Me

$1,850,315 / $20,214,000

On the topic of will-they-won’t-they hot-and-cold romances, a brand-new Destiny 2 expansion dropped this past week to bring all the helpless addicts crawling back for another hit.  One such addict was our very own Amy Walker whose years of cold turkey relapsed hard once she took the assignment.  …does that make us on the editorial side enablers?

8] Studio 666

$1,580,000 / NEW

Feel like Dave Grohl and his band of Defenders Against Foo would be better served trying to snap their decade-long cold streak of sub-par music via applying themselves on basic songwriting rather than wasting energy and resources on gimmicky nonsense.  *boos from earnest Medicine at Midnight defenders*  Every breath I draw without your permission raises my self-esteem!

9] Cyrano

$1,400,101 / NEW

Every advert or promotional material I have seen for this movie goes to great lengths to hide the fact that it’s a musical.  Almost like the Dessner Brothers near-exclusively write boring-ass songs and aren’t that suited to musical theatre.  *angry garbage thrown by The National fans*  Hey, at least I can take solace in the fact that Tawny Farber agrees with me!

10] Scream

$1,345,214 / $79,221,000

This Week’s Obligatory Horror Article Plug (to Hide the Fact That I Have Nothing to Say About the Latest Scary Movie): Charlie Brigden investigated Arrow’s latest restoration of a cult 80s horror flick, Dario Argento’s Phenomena.

Dropped out: The Cursed, Blacklight

Callie Petch will live til they die.